Friday, March 25, 2011

When You Don't Have A Home

    It came! Spring arrived! 

I LOVE Spring. But then something else showed up. I began feeling a bit jittery. It finally happened. Honestly, I knew it would. Discontentment. This is something I really dislike about myself. I wanted nothing more than to decorate with birds and eggs and nests and tulips, or even paint a room in a bright robin's egg blue.

I knew that not having a home would catch up to me soon enough.  It actually took longer than I expected, so that's good, right? But Spring arrived and here we are. Still waiting on God. Sometimes I wonder if He is paying attention. I know He is, of course. I trust Him and I believe what He is planning is better than anything I ever could. This is where I quote 2 Peter 3:9 and remind you and me that God is not slow in keeping his promises. Some might call that a Sunday School answer. I have become sick of that phrase. I LOVED Sunday School. I learned a lot there and yes, I learned the answers to my questions in bible verse form. What's wrong with that? Jesus answered questions with bible verses too. I'm ok with Sunday School answers. (Sorry. **steps off soap box**)

     I pray and ask God to help me enjoy this time. Time with my parents that my children and I haven't had in years. I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for parents who were not just willing, but EXCITED to have us. But it keeps coming back. This is not my home. Which reminds me of another bible verse. :) It also reminds me of my favorite quote... "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy , the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." C.S. Lewis

     When I read that quote for the first time, i cried. It struck something deep in my soul. That is exactly how I feel. I feel as if NOTHING can satisfy my desire for home. Which leads me to another question. WHY did God make me this way! I actually typed this with a big silly smile on my face, because it sounds so dramatic. I don't mean it that way, but I can't think of a better way to say it. Why do I have such a strong desire to nest? I think it has a lot to do with my spiritual gift. Hospitality. It's hard to be hospitable in someone else's home. Actually it's pretty much impossible. And that's ok, for now.

     God gave me a desire, a yearning, for home. And I know that if He gave it to me, I don't have to feel guilty about it. But I can't allow it to overwhelm me. So for now, I dream. 

     I dream of a home with robin's egg blue walls and a vase full of tulips. I dream of a big table full of friends, food, and laughter. And I dream of a home in heaven that I don't have to redecorate because God prepared it for me and He knows just what I like. :)


AK said...

such pretty pictures. Perhaps there are people out there who can help with your desire to nest- maybey you could help other people pull their nests together and while you wait for your own it might help work it out of your system AND give you inspiration for your own....(you know me, the glass is half full-and you can turn anything into a little extra cash!) Also-in regards to Sunday School Answers-I think (speaking personally) I use that term not to dismiss biblical truths spoken as advise, but for "bibleish-or churchy-ish" terminology quickly given in an effort to avoid admitting we don't always have the answer and often times by people who do not apply real biblical principals to their own way of life. Perhaps there is a better word for what I mean and I will now try to think of it...

The Mustard Seed said...

oh how i so relate to this post... I remember living with my in laws when I was pregnant with Jude and waiting for our place to be ready to live in. I was dying to nest and set up a nursery for my sweet baby, but couldn't do anything. Sure enough, the baby came before the house did and I was miserable. Hang in there, sweet friend. I know it's very tough and I'll be praying for you!

Love you,

Anonymous said...

God bless you for the time you had to live with your parents. we've been there..Once with my parents, Once with his...oh my...How I longed for my own home!!
God knows, and now i look back and wonder if it really all happened, it was so long ago.

Xia Zhang said...